My birthday is the Chinese New Year, so my personal new year doesn’t start until February. This means that I have some time to think about my resolutions, unlike the rest of you! I have learned from previous years to make the goal personal and attainable. My sexuality is personal, and my resolution is very attainable. I feel confident that this resolution will be actionable!
One of my sexual resolutions is to let people go down on me. I have been unable and unwilling to let partners of any/all genders do this for me. I tense up every time, fear floods my mind and I get turned off. I know women who love getting tongue and finger attention, but I am not one of them, even though I would like to be. This year I would not like to start off with a bang, but a tongue on my clit.
I will begin with my usual ‘New Years Goal’ – buying something that helps! (Think about the number of tennis shoes that are bought Jan 2nd, just because some people make the resolution to work out more).
My first purchase will be a gel or oil, so that I can begin to explore my own vagina. I masturbate, but that is touching with a purpose. It is a get in/get out type of experience, not exactly exploratory. I think exploring and knowing my own body will help with my acceptance, and will also help me give feedback to my partners.
The other side of exploring is viewing “real” vaginas, both in a sexual and non-sexual context. This will help me learn to differentiate between mainstream porn vaginas and non. The mainstream vagina, in porn, is a “small pink and hairless” homogenized manufactured item. This is not what everyday vaginas look like, and I need to break the cycle of comparing my vagina to an ideal. I have broken this cycle with other parts of myself, so it should be easy enough. I have the privilege to have access to a lovely lady, through my poly relationship. I have already asked my metamour to help me explore hers and teach me what she likes – so that I am able to do so in return. This will give me room to develop as a lover, and as a person. I recommend this style of teaching and learning, if you have access to it.
Another addition to this exploration will be viewing Indie porn with different bodies/vaginas so that I am able to start breaking my own internal hatred. This means being choosy about the pornography I view, and dismissing words like small, pink, hairless, tight and so on. Vaginas are unique to each person, and we should honor this uniqueness in our media.
The second stage will be to allow my partner to go down on me – this takes communication and relaxing. I need to not only communicate my desires, but also my struggle with my partners. Instead of saying “I just don’t like it,” I need to let them know that it makes me feel uncomfortable and what they can do to help. This is needed for my growth and the growth of our relationship. This means that I need to have the vocabulary to share this information. I need to use both medical and non-medical terms for my vagina, and have the ability to identify my own feelings.
I feel _____ when you touch/feel/taste my _______.
This increased communication with, and about, my body with myself and others is the key to having a better sexual year!