As a note this is written in a hetronormative tone because that is my current experience. I will be expanding this to different relationship types soon.
During a discussion with a friend about a new relationship, and its emphasis on friendship and sex without romantic intent – she dropped this retro bomb-
I never thought you were the type, of girl lets herself be used for sex?
Apparently, I am. I am the type of girl who lets herself be used for sex. There I said it.
Since I am a fan the Reed-Kellogg diagram- here is a picture!
Lets unpack this whole bunch of mess-
Type Of Girl – This is the subject of the question clause, preposition and determiner
The idea that there are types of girls is implied. This is a dangerous assumption because it is lazy and relies on trope and stereotypes to fulfill knowledge gaps.
I am assuming the types of girls she is referring in this context is the ever present good/bad trope. “Good” girls wait, “Bad” girls get what they deserve.More Here about tropes (This plays a large part in rape culture)
If you are Good and thus deny your partner sex, you get “stuff”, including respect. Stuff can be monetary tangible things one receives during dating/courting, it also includes getting phone calls, texts, communication exchanged regularly.
The giving away of sex-negates this courting period. This is the root thought behind “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free”
“Lets herself”. This is a verb of question clause
Lets Herself – implies permission. I let myself eat cake- as if eating cake was somehow inappropriate and I need a special allowance of the self community to make a choice. Sex follows the same screwed up permission logic as food.
Lets herself is also used in axiom She has let herself go. This is a form of the permission based transactional analysis of adherence to a good cultural norm. As seen by this screen shot,
men are super concerned about this permission based going.
The idea of permission that you give yourself in the “lets herself be used.”also disallows any claim of rape or abuse. It is preemptive victim blaming .
Used for Sex – Subject Complement Adjective
This again falls back on the idea that women do not like sex, and use it for a transactional purpose. When you feel “used”- it is because you feel taken advantage of, there is a miscommunication among two or more parties of about equity. In the logic of sexual relationships this creates an fallacious equation of (male wanting) sex equal something else (female wanting anything else but sex ) , not that that (male)sex could equal (female) sex.
In order for me, a female, to feel “used for sex”- I must ascribe to the idea that the sex that I have is something I didn’t want to want to do, but was made to do. I have been pressured into sex before, and know what it feels like, so I can safely say that this was not the case, would mostly likely never be the case with the person in question.
That in order for me to not feel used, I must balance out this sex (a negative) with stuff(positive). This idea is an extension of society telling me how I should feel about my own choices, body and identity.
There is also the response to this question that is the elephant in the room-
What type of girl lets herself be used for sex? -One that does not respect herself.
This again is an assumption about my emotions towards my body and what I do with it. I respect my body enough to give it what it wants, I respect my partners enough to be honest with them about what I want, who I am with, and manage expectations of relationships.
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